As Part 4 was about recognising the stories that we tell ourselves, there is another important consideration; we have to understand that everybody else is telling themselves stories too.

Every person we meet is experiencing reality from a perspective that we can’t fully see; they have their own memories, experiences, insecurities, beliefs and emotions influencing how they interpret what is happening around them, just as we do.

We touched on this previously with family, but when you have a conversation with a parent, there can sometimes be more than just the adult you in the room; the child you once were can be there too. However, the same is true for them, the child they once were is in the room. Their parents are there through the influence they had on them, as are decades of experiences that occurred long before you were even born.

In a sense, when two people have a conversation, two entire histories are meeting in the present. This doesn’t mean that we should excuse somebody’s behaviour simply because we can understand where it may have come from; understanding and agreeing are two different things. Somebody can behave badly and we can maintain our boundaries whilst still recognising that we may not know everything that contributed to their behaviour.

This principle applies to disagreements; two people can experience the same situation and walk away with completely different interpretations of what happened. Each person remembers different details, places importance on different moments and interprets the other’s words through their own experiences.

The problem comes when our objective stops being understanding what happened and becomes proving that our interpretation is the correct one.

Often, we don’t listen to understand; we listen to respond, while the other person is talking, we’re already preparing our defence, looking for holes in their argument or waiting for an opportunity to explain why they’re wrong.

At that point, it can be worth asking ourselves whether we want to be right or if we want to understand.

Of course, being wrong can be uncomfortable, particularly when our opinions have become attached to our identity. Changing our minds can feel like losing, but there is no shame in changing your perspective in light of better evidence. In fact, the greater mistake would be discovering that something isn’t true and continuing to believe it simply because we don’t want to admit that we were wrong.

This doesn’t mean that every perspective is equally accurate because there are still facts and sometimes one person simply is wrong. Another thing to consider here is that empathy doesn’t require us to abandon objectivity. Instead, it means remaining open to the possibility that our own perspective is incomplete.

Think about an argument from years ago. At the time, you may have been absolutely certain that you were right. Looking back now, with distance, experience and information you didn’t have at the time, perhaps you see it differently. Reality didn’t change; your perspective did.

Perhaps this is another reason why awareness is so important. If we can recognise the stories that we tell ourselves, we can also recognise that other people are constructing their own interpretations of the same reality.

As mentioned in Part 2, we all develop filters through our beliefs, experiences and influences, through which we interpret the world around us. Being aware that these filters exist doesn’t necessarily remove them, but it can remind us that what we see through them may not be the complete picture.

The same is true of everybody else. We may be looking at the same reality, but we aren’t necessarily looking at it from the same place.

We don’t have to agree with them and we certainly don’t have to tolerate harmful behaviours, but understanding another person’s perspective can give us information that insisting on our own perspective cannot.

Reality doesn’t care who wins the argument. In Part 1, I wrote about the faculty of attention and how easily it can be placed on the wrong things. So perhaps attention isn’t only about noticing what is directly in front of us; it’s also about noticing where we’re looking from. So perhaps the question shouldn’t always be who is right. Sometimes the better question is ‘What am I not seeing?’

Throughout the previous parts, I have written about the importance of being present, being aware of our thoughts and surroundings and experiencing reality without allowing our thoughts to completely dictate that experience. However, there is another part of this that can be much harder to recognise; the stories we tell ourselves.

Something happens and almost immediately, we give it meaning.

Imagine sending somebody a message and they don’t reply. The reality of the situation is simply that you sent a message and haven’t received a reply. That’s all you actually know. However, that doesn’t necessarily stop the mind from filling in the blanks, assuming that you are being ignored or you’ve done something wrong, or any number of explanations that could potentially be true, but could just as easily be completely wrong. We might then think perhaps they’re busy or forgot to reply. Perhaps something has happened in their own life that you know nothing about.

Until you know, you just don’t.

This is where it is important to recognise the difference between what happened and what we think what happened means. The human mind doesn’t particularly like unanswered questions. When there is a gap in our knowledge, we naturally want to fill it, but the story that fills it can be influenced by our previous experiences, insecurities, expectations and current emotional state; we then often respond emotionally to that story as if it was an established fact.

This is especially noticeable when we are stressed, angry or anxious; an event itself may have lasted seconds, yet the story we create from it can occupy our minds for hours or even days.

It’s important to then realise that we are then no longer responding to reality; we are responding to our interpretation of it.

This is why being objective is so important. We can ask ourselves what we actually know, what we have observed as well as what we are assuming.

Of course, there isn’t anything wrong with interpretation; we couldn’t function without it. However, the problem begins when we stop recognising interpretation as interpretation and start treating it as fact.

Often, some of the most powerful statements are also the ones we tell ourselves about ourselves, such as not being good at something, stating that we are anxious or that things never work out for us.

If we repeat something about ourselves enough times, it can eventually become part of our identity. We then inadvertently begin looking for evidence that supports the story whilst overlooking evidence that contradicts it. Every mistake becomes proof that we were right, while success might be dismissed as luck. The story reinforces the behaviour and the behaviour reinforces the story.

Our past experiences can influence these stories too; something happening in the present may remind us of something that happened previously and without realising it, we begin responding not only to what is happening now, but also to what happened then. We often experience this when having conversations with parents or relatives. In a sense, there is more than just the adult you in the room; the child you once were is there too. Old family dynamics, emotions and patterns can resurface quickly, which is why we can sometimes find ourselves reacting more emotionally around family than we would if the exact same interaction happened with somebody else. We may be responding to the conversation happening today, but part of us may also be responding to years of conversations that came before it.

These experiences can teach us valuable lessons; the past should provide information rather than automatically determine our interpretation of the present. The person in front of you is not necessarily the person from your past, and you are no longer exactly the same person who originally experienced it.

One of the most difficult things we can learn, therefore, is to become comfortable with uncertainty. We want to know why somebody behaved a certain way, what somebody thinks of us, whether something will work out and whether the decisions we make will prove to be the right ones. Sometimes we simply don’t know yet.

There can be an enormous amount of freedom in accepting that. Not knowing does not have to be an admission of weakness.

This doesn’t mean becoming passive or ignoring our judgement. We can still use our experiences, intuition and reasoning to make decisions. It means remaining aware of where the facts end and our interpretation begins.

Meditation and awareness can help us observe this process as it happens. Just as we can observe a thought without allowing it to consume us, we can notice ourselves beginning to construct a story and ask whether that story is actually supported by what we know.

Reality doesn’t require us to understand it immediately. It exists regardless of whether we have worked out what it means.

Linking back to the previous parts of this series, connecting with reality isn’t about eliminating our thoughts, beliefs, memories or interpretations. These things are part of being human. Instead, it’s about being conscious of their influence and remembering that what exists in our minds is not necessarily what exists in front of us.

So whenever you find yourself becoming consumed by something that has happened, take a moment and ask yourself what actually happened, and what have I added to it. Sometimes the event and the story will be very different things.

As mentioned in part 2, meditation can come in many forms. You don’t have to be in a quiet room to meditate, though it can certainly help to begin with, just to be able to be accustomed to the silence around you and enjoy a similar level of serenity internally. Of course, as you sit in silence, you will begin to hear many other sounds that fill that silence, where you can inactively acknowledge and ‘observe’ these noises and continue to take deep breaths.

‘An entire sea of water can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship’ - Goi Nasu; this is where it is important to not let negative influences get in, which includes our own overthinking tendencies. It’s fine if it’s loud on the outside, so long as it’s tranquil on the inside; imagine meditating near a construction site, where you focus on your breath, enjoy your inner peace, as you allow the noises of the outside spill around you. The same goes with our wild imaginations and anxieties; imagined thoughts absolutely require freedom from the mind.

Meditation is a way for us to remain or return to a state of calm. When you think you don’t have time to do it, that’s usually when you need to do it the most, especially when you are at work, inundated with emails, phone calls and other demands of the day that require your attention. Having worked in high pressure environments in a variety of industries, it is so important that we take small and regular breaks to go outside and take a few deep breaths and there are so many benefits from doing just this. Often, walking through a set of doors can make us forget why we went into a room in the first place as our brains can reset; we can use this to our advantage. Especially in a place of work during busy times, we can be spread so thinly, where our attention is everywhere; just going outside and taking a few deep breaths can really help us to refocus this and be aware of our current state of being, such as when the last time we ate something was or how hydrated we are. It’s also important to have empathy; whenever someone at work for instance says something that is off key, which would irritate you, sometimes it’s because of redirected aggression from what they are probably going through and is most likely not personal. Regardless of their intentions, you always have a choice in how you respond.

We can get so worked up, where we may end up losing objectivity completely. Remember that temporary problems do not require permanent solutions. When you argue with someone, chances are you will say things that you may come to regret once you have calmed down and you may even think that had you been calm, those are things you wish you wouldn’t have said, which is why it’s so important that we catch ourselves in the moment. If it costs you your peace, it is too expensive. However, after an argument or heated exchange or any other event that has caused you stress, you’re more likely to be too hard on yourself or be too quick to anger if you reflect too soon after. This is why it’s important to take time out to be meditative first before being reflective so that we can be objective.

​When it comes to being overwhelmed, a lot of the time, we just have to be acutely aware of our own state. When things become overwhelming, we often ask ourselves ‘wait when did that happen? How did that all happen so quickly?’, when it had probably been building up for a while and we just weren’t aware of its effects until we got to the boiling point. That’s why it’s so important to put yourself first, take time out for yourself, even if it’s just a couple minutes to go outside and detach and take a few deep breaths; you can only donate money if you have money; you can only give time if you have time; therefore, you should only give if you first have yourself, so always put yourself first.

It comes down to making sure that we’re still taking care of ourselves; still eating, staying hydrated, sleeping, meditating, training etc., so whenever something outside of our control happens, at least we’re able to deal with it whilst our bodies and minds are taken care of. If we don’t eat, drink, sleep, meditate or train, we feel rushed around and will be less equipped to deal with the pressures of our surroundings.

If you can handle yourself, you can always have a positive impact and influence over the outcome of the situation. For instance, you may not be able to control the traffic, but you can certainly deal with how you handle it; you have to sit in traffic regardless of how you feel, so you may as well find a positive and productive way to spend the time as opposed to becoming more worked up over the situation.

It’s easier said than done, but a worthwhile practice of being objective and meditative, which is why we can’t rush the things we want to last; this is why it’s essential that we take time for ourselves.

I might write more on this another time, though I’ve been meaning to write this for years and only finally getting round to it!

Following on from Part 1, our thoughts and the ability to think should be a tool; we should not be slaves to them. Overthinking is like writing a cheque for a debt you do not yet owe, if at all. Due to the amount of overthinking that is done in addition to what we can be socioculturally influenced by, more and more ‘filters’ are added to our vision. The vision of reality is therefore interpreted from those filters and thoughts as opposed to experienced.

​These filters can come under the form of beliefs also. Beliefs can be traps, which are not always in accordance with fact, no matter how strong that belief is. For instance, you may strongly believe what someone is saying, but if he is lying, then this invalidates your belief, regardless of how strong it was to begin with. Believing in something generally means not having evidence to support it. It is important to have the approach of an attorney or an empirical scientist; collect and examine all evidence before making an informed decision. This is where you either know, or you do not know yet. Beliefs are not facts; beliefs are strong opinions; opinions do not change facts.

​Every individual is unique and has different experiences that further develops their uniqueness, though this can often be prevented from factors such as conformity, which can be influenced by factors such as our upbringings, work culture, or other beliefs and values held, influenced by the media, which can serve to limit our uniqueness. Interpretation of reality is therefore not experience of reality; it simply acts as an analytical filter. An example of this is learning how to swim from a book; you may think you know intellectually, how to swim, but it is only when you get into the water, do you know whether you can or not. It is like having somebody describe what an orange tastes like to someone who has never eaten one; how will they truly know what it tastes like if they have never eaten one before, or any other item of food, for that matter? They will never know unless they eat an orange.

Meditation is a key way of clearing out the clutter of our minds in order to be able to perceive more clearly, whilst observing the thoughts that pass, without allowing them to influence our frame of being, whilst being able to better connect with our surroundings. Of course, meditation comes in many different forms, which can suit different people; it’s all about finding the right kind for you.

​Nature, as stated in Part 1, is true reality. It is far removed from human biases. Animals are a part of nature; their experience of reality is exactly that; an experience. They are connected with and around each other; the indigenous people of this world have such a connection and have a far more profound understanding and perhaps more of a deeper appreciation of life.

​So when you are able to spend time in nature, unencumbered of the floods of thoughts and sociocultural influences, you will begin to connect with the Universe, where you will be able to dive in further and enjoy more profound and deeper experiences that await.

​After all, the world that we live in and the Earth that we live on are two different places.

When you strip away everything man made, what remains is and always will be nature. Nature, in the form of animals, forests, mountains, planets, stars, the list could go on. Nature is synonymous to the Universe. (Due to the amount that could be written about this topic alone, this will be broken up into two parts)

The world that we live in and the Earth that we live on are two different places and this has been the case for many years; people have become so disconnected to nature where the main focus of attention is solely on our phones, headphones, television, we’re all guilty of it. You only have to walk down the street to see people walking whilst placing their full attention on their phones whilst listening to their music without much regard for where they are going. It is only when they bump into something or someone, do they then snap back into their surroundings. It is all to do with the faculty of attention; one of our greatest faculties, which is often misused and placed on things that are not relevant to our environment.

Most car accidents happen because the driver was probably thinking about something else as opposed to having his eyes on the road. For instance, imagine driving only for someone walking down the street to catch your eye; as you see this person, your head turns. In more ways than one, but in this context, physically, where the head goes, the body follows. The car then steers towards the direction your head is turned and you find yourself either about to hit oncoming traffic as you have left your side of the road, or are driving towards this person. Only when you realise what is happening, do you then quickly steer back onto your side of the road. Unfortunately, sometimes it is too late. Other times, it could be somebody else’s awareness that fails them so that they steer into you instead. Another example is perhaps having a dispute with someone in the car, which has distracted our attention. Sometimes, simple, innocent and unintentional shifts in our attention could have serious consequences to us and our surroundings.

​It is very common for to have experienced a journey from A to B, but not remembered a thing about it. You may have done the same journey many times or performed a task so many times to the point where you go onto autopilot and forget about the entire experience as a whole, which is part of the habituation hypothesis. This is often why time appears to pass more quickly the older we become. As a result, a child may have genuinely felt the slow passage of 10 years whereas an adult who is fixed in a routine will go onto autopilot and have then looked back in realisation that 10 years have passed so quickly.

It is not just a lack of awareness in a physical sense, it is also our thoughts. Nowadays, people as a whole have become so thought-oriented that much of the attention is placed on analytical faculties. This is not to say that thinking is bad, it’s overthinking. Too much of anything can be detrimental to an individual. Generally speaking, most people think about past events, dwelling on what they could have done, should have done, what should have happened and what actually happened, constantly replaying those memories. People also think in the conditional tense also; what should happen and what could happen. Whilst these thoughts and considerations are important to a certain degree, too much of it occupies your current attention to the point where it distracts and removes you from your surroundings. Worrying is simply the misuse of imagination. These thoughts can then have a huge effect on how you feel. It can be helpful to try going the other way round, where you concentrate on your feelings, i.e. your senses and sensitivities, which will in turn, help to modify and moderate your thoughts. Stay tuned for part 2.